Why aren’t you married yet? (from archive)

"Your choice of whom to marry is more crucial than everything else combined that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed."

– Author and marriage counselor Neil Clark Warren

Why aren't you married yet?

I get that question occasionally. It's as if Nice-But-Nosy Person is implying: You're 29 and still single – what's wrong with you?

I've always been pro-marriage. But I've never been in a hurry to get married.

But now that the promise and passion of my previous relationship has faded away, for the first time in my life I feel a little rushed. The big Three-Oh is just around the corner. And I got gray hairs.

I've always been pro-marriage. I believe that a loving marriage is an amazing and beautiful gift from God. I crave an in-love, soul mate-type relationship that I am willing to fight to strengthen and preserve with every ounce of strength – a relationship in which I won't settle and I won't ever give up.

"Marriage can be wonderful!" writes author Neil Clark Warren. "Nothing in life can rival … [sharing] life at the deepest levels with someone to whom you are more attracted than anyone else in the world. It is the sense of being in partnership with a person who likes the things you like, thinks the way you think, works as hard to make your marriage succeed as you do, and who, above all else, thoroughly loves you and contributes to your growth and self-esteem."

I don't have Dr. Warren's experience in this field, as he has been married more times (one) than I, and he has worked with couples for longer (about 40 years) than I. But I agree with his assessment of marriage.

Some of my friends are married (and planning families), and I'm left to wonder at times, why am I not married yet? Where's my love of a lifetime? Well, I believe God's answer to that question is simple.

I'm not ready.

That's right; God is still working on me, teaching me lessons of life, love and other mysteries.

Some of my attitudes toward life are changing. My perception of what truly matters is being altered. Looking ahead to a future relationship, I want that special woman and I to prioritize our relationship above everything but God. I want the relationship to be more important than homework, sleep or my hockey team. (Homework stinks, sleep is overrated and the performance of my beloved hockey team is … well, let's not go there.)

I've also had my view on "having kids" change. My previous stance was a selfish "I love kids but they're not for me." I don't want to have children immediately after marriage, and I think more than two kids would force me to pull my hair out. But I'm now intrigued by the idea of raising children together with the love of my life.

Maybe I'm just slower to mature and learn than others. Or maybe what I'm longing for is so incredible and amazing that I need the extra time.

Through trials, teachers and todays, God is growing me into a more willing servant and a better man. Sure, I might be single and getting old, but that's OK. I pray that God will withhold the honor of being a husband from me until I am ready.

"The truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

– Anthony Hopkins, "Meet Joe Black"

-- Originally written in November 2007