Learn to hold onto yourself before you hold her

Editor’s note: The following blog contains language and subject matter that is mature in nature.

“Marry and with luck it may go well. But when a marriage fails those who marry live at home in hell.”

– Euripides, 408 B.C.

If I were to recommend only one book on marriage – a hitchhikers’ guide to all things relationship – I would suggest a rendezvous with a captivating and daring paperback by clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist David Schnarch.

The nearly vowel-less author presents a fascinating exploration into pleasure and sexuality in his book “Passionate Marriage.” This book is about having a better marriage, more intimacy and emotional connectedness, and a greater understanding of oneself. Schnarch challenges conventional mores about sex and intimacy as he unearths explanations as to why common misconceptions and presumptions can be detrimental to the marriage, especially in the bedroom.

From the get-go, Schnarch supports the importance of autonomy and self-validation, and he maintains that self-acceptance is essential for increased intimacy. Partners need to learn to hold on to themselves and take care of their own feelings. Anxiety and self-rejection can deter a couple from experiencing connection. Eventually, a partner’s self-defeatist attitudes will negatively affect their sexual experience and relationship. Schnarch refutes the perspectives held by a Cosmopolitan culture that “perfect sex” should be the ultimate objective. Great sex involves bonding on many levels, not just biological, the author says. Sexual technique has little to do with intimacy, and Schnarch believes sexual satisfaction is achieved by connecting the emotional and mental with the physical.

Schnarch also doesn’t mince words when he interjects the fallacies into commonly-held opinions regarding fantasies, sexual desire, readiness for marriage and how screwed up we are. Marriage isn’t easy but it’s an exquisite teacher, he reminds the reader.

“Passionate Marriage” provides incredible and original insights on improving the intimacy and connectedness in a marriage. Yes, this detailed work discusses sex and sexuality, but the book is also an amazing guide on improving one’s self – how to increase one’s level of differentiation in order to propel a person toward a great marriage. The author believes a great marriage consists of two emotionally strong individuals. My expectations for marriage and intimacy have reached a climax (excuse the innuendo) after reading Schnarch’s masterpiece.

While I strongly advocate the self-analyzing journey of “Passionate Marriage,” I recommend the book with a few warning labels. One, the book will change your expectations for marriage and intimacy – likely for the better. But the possibility exists that a married couple could read the book and one partner would buy into the author’s insight (and become more differentiated and self-aware) and their spouse would not, ultimately creating a divide in their relationship. Also, the language in “Passionate Marriage” is erotically graphic at times; the author doesn’t mince words when discussing sexuality, trust and intimacy with his clients and he shares these poignant dialogues. The discussion is not for the easily offended. Ironically, readers who are easily offended by Schnarch’s explicit expressions aren’t likely to enjoy the pleasure of emotional connectedness and spine-tingling intimacy in their marriage, anyway. Finally, the book is lengthy (more than 400 pages) and deep. But its content is more than merely a playbook for hot sex. The author writes the book for couples, but there are incredible concepts for the single person. There’s so much in the beginning of the book about personal growth – how to honestly examine one’s anxieties and learn how to hold onto one’s self.

Schnarch writes in a refreshing style that is exceptional for both genders. However, Schnarch doesn’t acquiesce with the societal assumption that men want sex more. In fact, Schnarch reports greater interest in sexuality from the women who attend his workshops. So the psychologist doesn’t kowtow to feminist agendas that preach women hate all things sex.

Intimacy. Self-awareness. Passion. Personal growth. Love. Holding on to oneself. All these descriptors read like ingredients for an incredible life. Perhaps you’re cynical – these depictions may sound unbelievable. That’s OK. In fact, don’t trust me. Read this book and decide yourself. I did. Forgive the double entendre, but I reached the following consensus.

“Passionate Marriage” is the best fucking book I have ever read.

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For further book reviews on Passionate Marriage, plus the opportunity to purchase this masterpiece online, visit the following Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0805058265

Ten ways to improve fútbol

Football. Fútbol. Soccer. Regardless of its namesake, the world’s most popular game presents opportunities for celebration and anxiety around the globe. The most recent World Cup final (in 2006) was watched by more than 25 billion people in more than 200 countries. During competitions such as the World Cup, billions of fans watch as their country’s destiny hangs in the balance. Passionate soccer fans worldwide display incredible team spirit – they beat drums, blow whistles, sing and paint their bodies – all in enthusiastic support of their team. The universality of such exhilaration and the beauty of vigorous competition are reasons why soccer is the king of sport worldwide.
However, soccer is not perfect. In fact, the hullabaloo surrounding the game can be more compelling than the goals scored. Soccer needs to improve in two areas – more scoring and less controversy. So I propose ten suggestions to make an incredible game even more gripping.

1. Relax the offsides rule: When an offensive player receives a pass and appears to be in a great position to score, seeing the side judge’s flag up because the player has so much as an eyelash offside is frustrating. Therefore, the offside rule should be tweaked so that if any part of the offensive player’s body is even with the last defender, the offensive player is onside. With this rule modification, teams would have more scoring opportunities and defenders would be required to play better defense instead of using an offsides trap. And hopefully, there would be much less controversy regarding offside calls.

2. Two referees: The beautiful game of fútbol is so fast. Passes can cover a couple hundred feet and the referee can be out of position instantly. By having a second official on the field, players should be less likely to dive and engage in cheap fouls, and referees will be in a better location to analyze game decisions.

3. Decrease the size of the goalie box: With a box that measures about 120 feet by 50 feet, goalies have great leeway to roam the area in front of their goal and use their hands. The goalie’s box should be significantly reduced – condense the goalie’s area to half its original size. This rule change would allow more teams to make passes “over top” of the defense to onrushing forwards while limiting the goalie’s ability to come out and smother the scoring opportunity so far from goal.

4. Move penalty kicks back: The high success rate of penalty kicks (about 80 percent) means that when the referee points to the PK spot for a foul inside the penalty area, the referee is basically awarding one team a goal. A penalty kick – which is taken from the 12-yard line – can reach the speed of 125 mph and is usually over within a quarter of a second. The best goalies in the world have little chance of stopping the ball with their reflexes. Goalies usually guess where the ball is going before the kicker strikes, and they hope their speculation puts them in proximity of the ball to stop the attempt. When referees award penalty kicks for dubious fouls inside the box, they unfairly affect the outcome of the game. Penalty kicks should be taken from the 18-yard line instead. By moving the penalty kick spot back six yards, players are required to make a better kick to score; also, goalies can rely on their reflexes and have a better chance of denying the PK.

5. Bring back the golden goal: FIFA overturned the “golden goal” rule in 2004, which stated that the first team to score in overtime would win instantly. Instead, the current rule mandates that the entire 30-minute overtime be played. While critics argue that the golden goal rule encourages teams to play defensively, the current rule also decreases the potential for a dramatic conclusion while increasing the odds that a game’s outcome will be decided by the dreaded penalty kick shootout. For a glance at the exciting conclusion the golden goal can bring, search online for “Sweden Senegal 2002” and enjoy the spectacular finish to this World Cup match.

6. Eliminate the penalty kick shootout: Nothing is more disappointing in fútbol than to have a high-action, inspiring match decided by the psychological lottery that is the penalty kick shootout. This method for deciding victors should be eliminated. Play until one team scores. In order to avoid fútbol games that rival cricket matches for length, institute a rule that decreases the number of players on the pitch during overtime. Either start the overtime with 8-on-8 or simply remove a player from both teams every five minutes.

7. Emergency substitution for goalie: While rare, the situation in which a field player is required to don the gloves because the goalie is injured and a team has used their three substitutions should be avoided. Change the rule so that a team can use an emergency “fourth substitution” to permanently switch goalies.

8. Introduce the “blue card” for nuisance violations: Since yellow and red cards are such significant punishments, referees may be reluctant to book a player for a borderline offense. Blue cards would be for minor infractions such as dissent toward the referee; time wasting; insubordination before free kicks; kicking the ball after the whistle; and other petty infringements. Referees could also use blue cards to crack down on jersey pulling. Two blue cards would equal a yellow card.

9. Red cards don’t mean an automatic one-game suspension: Sometimes, the referee makes a mistake when ejecting a player. Current rules dictate that a player who receives a red card is suspended for the next game also. Leagues should consider red cards and further suspensions on a case-by-case basis. If the red-card violation is judged to have not been malicious, intentional or repetitive, the player should be allowed to participate in his team’s next game.

10. Referee explanation: During FIFA competitions, referees should be required to explain and defend their decisions on crucial calls and player ejections after the game. The governing body of soccer should hold referees more accountable for their in-game judgment. If players can be subjected to red cards for reckless fouls, referees should be subjected to discipline for atrocious officiating decisions.