Ginseng and Jesus

I skipped the church service this morning.

To be honest, I didn’t feel well. My throat ached. I needed more sleep. And I had a void, an inquiring hole in my soul.

The proper prescription for my void couldn’t be filled by an energetic praise band, a solemn sermon or a couple of casual conversations with churchgoers. I know this chasm requires something more. But I wasn’t sure what.

So I shunned church and came home after Sabbath School. I grabbed a juicy peach and a SoBe drink, which offers the delightful combination of sugar and ginseng. And initially, I felt better – cold drink in hand, casual clothes and a reprieve from community.

I collapsed on the couch. I grabbed the unopened Max Lucado book a friend had lent me a couple months ago. I was hopeful – I wanted to be encouraged and discover something tangible. I wanted to find something that spoke to me.

In his chapter, “Why Jesus Went to Parties,” Lucado hones in on the second verse in the second chapter of the Gospel of John. It’s a simple verse that mentions the invitation to a wedding in Cana. The application could easily be overlooked. But I’m excited and encouraged by the message that Lucado points out.

Jesus had fun! He loved the festivities of the wedding, the good food and the interaction with friends.

Lucado admits it’s been awhile since he has been accused of having too much fun. And that’s common for all of us. We get so involved with the necessities of work, school and sleep, and we tend to forget that life should include fun. Think about it. When’s the last time you complained or grumbled about life? In comparison, when’s the last time you enjoyed some delirious amusement?

Turn your stereo up. Wrestle with a dog or play with your children. Eat popsicles. Share. Hug the people you love. Smile at strangers. Laugh at irony and just enjoy life.

Jesus took time to party. That’s awesome! The Son of God had fun. Now that is amazing example that I’d like to embrace and follow.

Blog got a new home

I have had a blog on MySpace for the last few years. The blog provided an opportunity for me to share life updates and epiphanies. But since I plan to delete my MySpace account soon, I wanted to have a place in cyberspace where I can share my thoughts and ideas about life and other stuff. So I have moved my blog to its new home at Blogger.

In fact, I have a list of about a dozen perspectives and ideas that I want to blog about. So when I am motivated, I will be able to share my thoughts on a variety of topics, from psychology and life-changing books to spirituality and soccer.

Since I didn’t want to have an empty blog to start, I have included – for no extra charge – five of my favorite blogs from my archives of the last couple years.

Feel free to comment, disagree with me or share your thoughts. Enjoy!

I'll take "Compliments" for $600, Alex (from archive)

I have realized recently that I have difficulty accepting compliments.

Whether I’m being complimented on my astute perceptions, amazing personality or athletic strengths, I tend to discount what people say and override their sentiments. When I receive praise, I usually offset the affirmation with a negative thought. I tell myself that if the complimenting person “really” knew me, they wouldn’t say such a flattering thing.

I know I can be a jerk. I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for days. I can demonstrate attributes of criticism, lust, laziness and inconsiderateness. And when I’m complimented by others, I sometimes choose to dwell on my negative characteristics instead.

Clinical psychologist and author David Schnarch speaks of the importance of self-validation over others-validation. According to Schnarch, the better we are at validating our feelings and self-worth, the less we are dependent on others for validation, which allows us to function independently and also “be there” for others. People who can steady themselves on their own two feet have healthier emotional relationships.

I don’t think I depend on others much for validation. I use to have more of an ego – call it confidence, if you like. Either way, I thought I knew it all. But as I have become more self-aware, I’m more conscious of my faults. So in order to strengthen myself, I need to examine the validity of my inner thoughts and feelings and choose to override my negative opinions with self-affirming beliefs.

Anyway, feel free to compliment me. It will give me an opportunity to practice being honest with myself and experimenting with positive sentiment override. Looking forward, I endeavor to explore and confront the choices I make and the inner battles I fight. I want to confidently stand on my own feet emotionally, and in so doing, learn more about myself.

-- Originally written in February 2009

The police gave me a warning for … what? (from archive)

Last Friday night, I was driving with my friend Hannah from Chattanooga, Tenn., to Charlotte, N.C., to visit her sister and brother-in-law, Charissa and Kevin. We took the route through Atlanta because, well … I have never been in South Carolina before, so I thought that would be a cool choice. (For the record, it was dark when we drove through South Carolina, though we noticed from the interstate that "The Palmetto State" has a decent amount of adult bookstores.)

With the gas tank bordering empty, we stopped at one exit to refuel. Turns out, the police had set up a checkpoint at the intersection near the gas station. I glide up to the nearest officer, roll down my window and hand him my driver's license.

The officer replies, "We'll write you a warning for your missing headlight. Also, your windshield has a crack in it."

Hmmm, the headlight must have blown out recently. So after a couple minutes, he hands me the warning ticket and sends me on my way.

When I arrived at the gas station, Hannah examined the warning ticket a little closer.

"Look," she said. "They gave you a warning … for having defective equipment."

As a man, the last thing I want to hear is that I have "defective equipment."

My friends kidded me about that stupid warning ticket for the whole weekend. Haha.

-- Originally written in December 2008

Why aren’t you married yet? (from archive)

"Your choice of whom to marry is more crucial than everything else combined that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed."

– Author and marriage counselor Neil Clark Warren

Why aren't you married yet?

I get that question occasionally. It's as if Nice-But-Nosy Person is implying: You're 29 and still single – what's wrong with you?

I've always been pro-marriage. But I've never been in a hurry to get married.

But now that the promise and passion of my previous relationship has faded away, for the first time in my life I feel a little rushed. The big Three-Oh is just around the corner. And I got gray hairs.

I've always been pro-marriage. I believe that a loving marriage is an amazing and beautiful gift from God. I crave an in-love, soul mate-type relationship that I am willing to fight to strengthen and preserve with every ounce of strength – a relationship in which I won't settle and I won't ever give up.

"Marriage can be wonderful!" writes author Neil Clark Warren. "Nothing in life can rival … [sharing] life at the deepest levels with someone to whom you are more attracted than anyone else in the world. It is the sense of being in partnership with a person who likes the things you like, thinks the way you think, works as hard to make your marriage succeed as you do, and who, above all else, thoroughly loves you and contributes to your growth and self-esteem."

I don't have Dr. Warren's experience in this field, as he has been married more times (one) than I, and he has worked with couples for longer (about 40 years) than I. But I agree with his assessment of marriage.

Some of my friends are married (and planning families), and I'm left to wonder at times, why am I not married yet? Where's my love of a lifetime? Well, I believe God's answer to that question is simple.

I'm not ready.

That's right; God is still working on me, teaching me lessons of life, love and other mysteries.

Some of my attitudes toward life are changing. My perception of what truly matters is being altered. Looking ahead to a future relationship, I want that special woman and I to prioritize our relationship above everything but God. I want the relationship to be more important than homework, sleep or my hockey team. (Homework stinks, sleep is overrated and the performance of my beloved hockey team is … well, let's not go there.)

I've also had my view on "having kids" change. My previous stance was a selfish "I love kids but they're not for me." I don't want to have children immediately after marriage, and I think more than two kids would force me to pull my hair out. But I'm now intrigued by the idea of raising children together with the love of my life.

Maybe I'm just slower to mature and learn than others. Or maybe what I'm longing for is so incredible and amazing that I need the extra time.

Through trials, teachers and todays, God is growing me into a more willing servant and a better man. Sure, I might be single and getting old, but that's OK. I pray that God will withhold the honor of being a husband from me until I am ready.

"The truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

– Anthony Hopkins, "Meet Joe Black"

-- Originally written in November 2007

People persons (from archive)

I stopped by the post office near my work one morning this week. As I approached the counter, I smiled and said "good morning" to Postal Lady. I even made a joke about not having to pay for postage when my envelopes wouldn't scan.

Postal Lady finished my order. No smile. No greeting. Nothing.

By the time I got to my car, I was irritated … and inspired.

Irritated … because if Postal Lady is going to interact with the public, she should be cheery toward others. Sure, everyone has a rough day. But c'mom, offer a smile and pleasant greeting and make our lives a little better.

In a way, I'm jealous of Postal Lady. I sit in front of a computer most of my workday. I'm a news desk editor in charge of designing pages for our newspaper. Basically, I draw text boxes, insert pictures and write headlines in an organized fashion. It sucks.

I don't have much contact with the public. I relish the moments when the little old ladies hobble into the newsroom with a clip of church news. I get to chitchat with them, smile and tell them there's no charge for their announcement and simply make their day.

My friends, I want to encourage you. If you have a job where you interact with people, be sure to smile … offer a warm greeting … make someone laugh. You'll feel great and make someone's day much better.

However, if you rather slouch in your chair, glare and be indignant, that's OK too. I've got the perfect job for you … in the seat right in front of my desk. Go ahead, you pout and allow me the chance to laugh and smile with others.

But after I left the post office, I was also inspired because I decided that I didn't want Postal Lady's crummy attitude to infect the rest of my day.

I think John Maxwell tells this story … A mother was busy shopping, rushing from one store to the next, dragging her young son around with her. Near the end of the day, the exhausted mother dashes through the final store, scurries through the register line and hurries out into the parking lot. She then turns to her son and asks, "Did you see the dirty look that cashier gave Mommy in there?"

And the little boy replies, "Mommy, that cashier didn't give you that dirty look. You had it on your face when you went in there."

-- Originally written in November 2007

"Fight Club" and that which truly does not matter (from archive)

"When you come back again
Would you bring me something from the fridge
Heard a rumor that the end is near
But I just got comfortable here."

– Newsboys, "Lost the Plot"

I watched the movie "Fight Club" a couple nights ago. And somewhere, between all the primal male violence and life frustration psychology, I learned a spiritual lesson. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Lately, I've been convinced how much we hang on to things which truly do not matter. We're creatures of comfort and conformity. We opt for the same parking spot at work. We go to the same places to eat. And we want our toothpaste squeezed from the bottom, we want the toilet paper going over instead of under and we want to talk with the same people at church.

Why do we prioritize these things? Because it's comfortable. Heaven forbid we leave our niche and detour from our comfort zone.

In one scene from "Fight Club," Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) has a gun to the head of a terrified clerk at a convenience store and tells the clerk that he's going to die. And with his finger near the trigger, Durden asks the clerk why he went to community college, what he studied and why he stopped going to school. The clerk blubbers out that he studied biology to be a veterinarian but thought it required too much schooling.

Durden asks him, "Would you rather die here, on your knees?"

Suddenly, the clerk's fear of "too much schooling" isn't such an obstacle.

Then Durden tells the clerk that if he isn't on his way to becoming a veterinarian in six weeks, he will be dead. And he lets him go.

That's when a narrating voice says about Durden, "You got to hand it to him. He had a plan. No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."

And I thought, how often do I let the trivial things of this world which do not matter interfere? I have such human fears. I take comfort in the fact that I have an adequate job, good health insurance, a decent place to live, a cushy church and tennis partners. And by my actions, I tell God, "Oh please use me, but hey, you can't disrupt any of this stuff."

So I sit here – doing little and living a boring-as-shredded-wheat life. I can't give up control of my life if my hands are grasping the muck.

So today, I pray for God to break down my comfort zone. Take away my desire to be complacent and untrusting. Turn my world upside down.

And let me never forget, that outside of following God and His will, nothing else truly matters.

-- Originally written in October 2007