Learn to hold onto yourself before you hold her

Editor’s note: The following blog contains language and subject matter that is mature in nature.

“Marry and with luck it may go well. But when a marriage fails those who marry live at home in hell.”

– Euripides, 408 B.C.

If I were to recommend only one book on marriage – a hitchhikers’ guide to all things relationship – I would suggest a rendezvous with a captivating and daring paperback by clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist David Schnarch.

The nearly vowel-less author presents a fascinating exploration into pleasure and sexuality in his book “Passionate Marriage.” This book is about having a better marriage, more intimacy and emotional connectedness, and a greater understanding of oneself. Schnarch challenges conventional mores about sex and intimacy as he unearths explanations as to why common misconceptions and presumptions can be detrimental to the marriage, especially in the bedroom.

From the get-go, Schnarch supports the importance of autonomy and self-validation, and he maintains that self-acceptance is essential for increased intimacy. Partners need to learn to hold on to themselves and take care of their own feelings. Anxiety and self-rejection can deter a couple from experiencing connection. Eventually, a partner’s self-defeatist attitudes will negatively affect their sexual experience and relationship. Schnarch refutes the perspectives held by a Cosmopolitan culture that “perfect sex” should be the ultimate objective. Great sex involves bonding on many levels, not just biological, the author says. Sexual technique has little to do with intimacy, and Schnarch believes sexual satisfaction is achieved by connecting the emotional and mental with the physical.

Schnarch also doesn’t mince words when he interjects the fallacies into commonly-held opinions regarding fantasies, sexual desire, readiness for marriage and how screwed up we are. Marriage isn’t easy but it’s an exquisite teacher, he reminds the reader.

“Passionate Marriage” provides incredible and original insights on improving the intimacy and connectedness in a marriage. Yes, this detailed work discusses sex and sexuality, but the book is also an amazing guide on improving one’s self – how to increase one’s level of differentiation in order to propel a person toward a great marriage. The author believes a great marriage consists of two emotionally strong individuals. My expectations for marriage and intimacy have reached a climax (excuse the innuendo) after reading Schnarch’s masterpiece.

While I strongly advocate the self-analyzing journey of “Passionate Marriage,” I recommend the book with a few warning labels. One, the book will change your expectations for marriage and intimacy – likely for the better. But the possibility exists that a married couple could read the book and one partner would buy into the author’s insight (and become more differentiated and self-aware) and their spouse would not, ultimately creating a divide in their relationship. Also, the language in “Passionate Marriage” is erotically graphic at times; the author doesn’t mince words when discussing sexuality, trust and intimacy with his clients and he shares these poignant dialogues. The discussion is not for the easily offended. Ironically, readers who are easily offended by Schnarch’s explicit expressions aren’t likely to enjoy the pleasure of emotional connectedness and spine-tingling intimacy in their marriage, anyway. Finally, the book is lengthy (more than 400 pages) and deep. But its content is more than merely a playbook for hot sex. The author writes the book for couples, but there are incredible concepts for the single person. There’s so much in the beginning of the book about personal growth – how to honestly examine one’s anxieties and learn how to hold onto one’s self.

Schnarch writes in a refreshing style that is exceptional for both genders. However, Schnarch doesn’t acquiesce with the societal assumption that men want sex more. In fact, Schnarch reports greater interest in sexuality from the women who attend his workshops. So the psychologist doesn’t kowtow to feminist agendas that preach women hate all things sex.

Intimacy. Self-awareness. Passion. Personal growth. Love. Holding on to oneself. All these descriptors read like ingredients for an incredible life. Perhaps you’re cynical – these depictions may sound unbelievable. That’s OK. In fact, don’t trust me. Read this book and decide yourself. I did. Forgive the double entendre, but I reached the following consensus.

“Passionate Marriage” is the best fucking book I have ever read.

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For further book reviews on Passionate Marriage, plus the opportunity to purchase this masterpiece online, visit the following Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0805058265

Ten ways to improve fútbol

Football. Fútbol. Soccer. Regardless of its namesake, the world’s most popular game presents opportunities for celebration and anxiety around the globe. The most recent World Cup final (in 2006) was watched by more than 25 billion people in more than 200 countries. During competitions such as the World Cup, billions of fans watch as their country’s destiny hangs in the balance. Passionate soccer fans worldwide display incredible team spirit – they beat drums, blow whistles, sing and paint their bodies – all in enthusiastic support of their team. The universality of such exhilaration and the beauty of vigorous competition are reasons why soccer is the king of sport worldwide.
However, soccer is not perfect. In fact, the hullabaloo surrounding the game can be more compelling than the goals scored. Soccer needs to improve in two areas – more scoring and less controversy. So I propose ten suggestions to make an incredible game even more gripping.

1. Relax the offsides rule: When an offensive player receives a pass and appears to be in a great position to score, seeing the side judge’s flag up because the player has so much as an eyelash offside is frustrating. Therefore, the offside rule should be tweaked so that if any part of the offensive player’s body is even with the last defender, the offensive player is onside. With this rule modification, teams would have more scoring opportunities and defenders would be required to play better defense instead of using an offsides trap. And hopefully, there would be much less controversy regarding offside calls.

2. Two referees: The beautiful game of fútbol is so fast. Passes can cover a couple hundred feet and the referee can be out of position instantly. By having a second official on the field, players should be less likely to dive and engage in cheap fouls, and referees will be in a better location to analyze game decisions.

3. Decrease the size of the goalie box: With a box that measures about 120 feet by 50 feet, goalies have great leeway to roam the area in front of their goal and use their hands. The goalie’s box should be significantly reduced – condense the goalie’s area to half its original size. This rule change would allow more teams to make passes “over top” of the defense to onrushing forwards while limiting the goalie’s ability to come out and smother the scoring opportunity so far from goal.

4. Move penalty kicks back: The high success rate of penalty kicks (about 80 percent) means that when the referee points to the PK spot for a foul inside the penalty area, the referee is basically awarding one team a goal. A penalty kick – which is taken from the 12-yard line – can reach the speed of 125 mph and is usually over within a quarter of a second. The best goalies in the world have little chance of stopping the ball with their reflexes. Goalies usually guess where the ball is going before the kicker strikes, and they hope their speculation puts them in proximity of the ball to stop the attempt. When referees award penalty kicks for dubious fouls inside the box, they unfairly affect the outcome of the game. Penalty kicks should be taken from the 18-yard line instead. By moving the penalty kick spot back six yards, players are required to make a better kick to score; also, goalies can rely on their reflexes and have a better chance of denying the PK.

5. Bring back the golden goal: FIFA overturned the “golden goal” rule in 2004, which stated that the first team to score in overtime would win instantly. Instead, the current rule mandates that the entire 30-minute overtime be played. While critics argue that the golden goal rule encourages teams to play defensively, the current rule also decreases the potential for a dramatic conclusion while increasing the odds that a game’s outcome will be decided by the dreaded penalty kick shootout. For a glance at the exciting conclusion the golden goal can bring, search online for “Sweden Senegal 2002” and enjoy the spectacular finish to this World Cup match.

6. Eliminate the penalty kick shootout: Nothing is more disappointing in fútbol than to have a high-action, inspiring match decided by the psychological lottery that is the penalty kick shootout. This method for deciding victors should be eliminated. Play until one team scores. In order to avoid fútbol games that rival cricket matches for length, institute a rule that decreases the number of players on the pitch during overtime. Either start the overtime with 8-on-8 or simply remove a player from both teams every five minutes.

7. Emergency substitution for goalie: While rare, the situation in which a field player is required to don the gloves because the goalie is injured and a team has used their three substitutions should be avoided. Change the rule so that a team can use an emergency “fourth substitution” to permanently switch goalies.

8. Introduce the “blue card” for nuisance violations: Since yellow and red cards are such significant punishments, referees may be reluctant to book a player for a borderline offense. Blue cards would be for minor infractions such as dissent toward the referee; time wasting; insubordination before free kicks; kicking the ball after the whistle; and other petty infringements. Referees could also use blue cards to crack down on jersey pulling. Two blue cards would equal a yellow card.

9. Red cards don’t mean an automatic one-game suspension: Sometimes, the referee makes a mistake when ejecting a player. Current rules dictate that a player who receives a red card is suspended for the next game also. Leagues should consider red cards and further suspensions on a case-by-case basis. If the red-card violation is judged to have not been malicious, intentional or repetitive, the player should be allowed to participate in his team’s next game.

10. Referee explanation: During FIFA competitions, referees should be required to explain and defend their decisions on crucial calls and player ejections after the game. The governing body of soccer should hold referees more accountable for their in-game judgment. If players can be subjected to red cards for reckless fouls, referees should be subjected to discipline for atrocious officiating decisions.

Better choices equal better relationships and an improved life

Book Recommendation: William Glasser’s "Choice Theory"

In his trademark book, psychiatrist William Glasser offers an examination of the choices we make and how our decisions affect how we feel and interact with people in our lives. Glasser’s innovative perspective reaches beyond providing therapeutic interventions to clients; his analysis of choices shows why external control psychology does not work and is the root of dissatisfying relationships.

External control psychology results in unhappiness. When one person attempts to control another person, the relationship is typically damaged by such coercion. A parent tries to control their child through discipline. A husband attempts to manage his wife by withdrawing. A wife seeks to punish her husband by refusing physical intimacy. Sadly, all of these choices harm the relationship. The two people do not become closer. Consequently, controllers usually exert more effort when they don’t get their way. When selfishness and control takes priority over the relationship, the result is misery.

Glasser offers a simple truth: The only person you can truly control is yourself. When faced with a dissatisfying situation, we have two choices to improve the circumstances: Change the situation or change the way we view the situation. Blaming, complaining and criticizing may offer temporary relief, but they are merely band-aid behaviors to avoid dealing with the actual problem.

One of the controversial positions Glasser adamantly upholds is that depression and anxiety are choices we make. In fact, Glasser uses a verb – he utilizes terms like “depressing” or “choosing to depress” – to indicate the active role a person plays in their behavior. Glasser encourages people to improve their lives by being aware of their emotions and exercising better choices. Many people choose to depress, Glasser says, because depressing is an easier and less painful choice. For example, if Billy is having a bad day, he might choose to depress. However, he could recognize that better choices exist. Billy could vigorously exercise or contact friends to spend time together. Of course, both options require energy. And the second option presents the possibility of personal rejection – perhaps his friends aren’t available or maybe they won’t meet Billy’s expectations for a satisfying time. Instead of risking rejection and pursuing the potential for fun, Billy opts to wallow in self-pity and depress.

I give more leeway to depression than Glasser does. I believe a small percentage of people have debilitating clinical depression and limited choices. But even in bleak circumstances, the situation is not hopeless. Glasser says that the label of mental illness hinders many people from improving their situation with choices. He opposes the concept that people are victims. A victim has no choices. A victim is miserable and overwhelmed by helplessness.

In his book, Glasser suggests five basic psychological needs as barometers for our behavior. These needs are survival, love, power, freedom and fun, though each individual’s quota for fulfillment varies. Relationships help meet these needs. Glasser says that people without close relationships usually feel lonely and unsatisfied. That is why prioritizing the relationship over external control is essential.

An excellent attribute of Glasser’s philosophy is that choice theory focuses on the present. Glasser doesn’t dilly-dally into the psychological mumbo-jumbo of the client’s past. He wants to bring the current behavioral issues to the surface and assist the client in making helpful choices in a short-term therapy setting. Many of our decisions are based on fear. Glasser encourages readers to examine their choices and make decisions that lead to improved relationships – and inevitably, more happiness – in their lives.

“Choice Theory” has provided insight into the power of my choices and how my decisions can influence and improve my relationships. I strongly recommend you “choose” to read this book to discover the concepts that will strengthen your relationships and guide you toward a more fulfilling life.

Ginseng and Jesus

I skipped the church service this morning.

To be honest, I didn’t feel well. My throat ached. I needed more sleep. And I had a void, an inquiring hole in my soul.

The proper prescription for my void couldn’t be filled by an energetic praise band, a solemn sermon or a couple of casual conversations with churchgoers. I know this chasm requires something more. But I wasn’t sure what.

So I shunned church and came home after Sabbath School. I grabbed a juicy peach and a SoBe drink, which offers the delightful combination of sugar and ginseng. And initially, I felt better – cold drink in hand, casual clothes and a reprieve from community.

I collapsed on the couch. I grabbed the unopened Max Lucado book a friend had lent me a couple months ago. I was hopeful – I wanted to be encouraged and discover something tangible. I wanted to find something that spoke to me.

In his chapter, “Why Jesus Went to Parties,” Lucado hones in on the second verse in the second chapter of the Gospel of John. It’s a simple verse that mentions the invitation to a wedding in Cana. The application could easily be overlooked. But I’m excited and encouraged by the message that Lucado points out.

Jesus had fun! He loved the festivities of the wedding, the good food and the interaction with friends.

Lucado admits it’s been awhile since he has been accused of having too much fun. And that’s common for all of us. We get so involved with the necessities of work, school and sleep, and we tend to forget that life should include fun. Think about it. When’s the last time you complained or grumbled about life? In comparison, when’s the last time you enjoyed some delirious amusement?

Turn your stereo up. Wrestle with a dog or play with your children. Eat popsicles. Share. Hug the people you love. Smile at strangers. Laugh at irony and just enjoy life.

Jesus took time to party. That’s awesome! The Son of God had fun. Now that is amazing example that I’d like to embrace and follow.

Blog got a new home

I have had a blog on MySpace for the last few years. The blog provided an opportunity for me to share life updates and epiphanies. But since I plan to delete my MySpace account soon, I wanted to have a place in cyberspace where I can share my thoughts and ideas about life and other stuff. So I have moved my blog to its new home at Blogger.

In fact, I have a list of about a dozen perspectives and ideas that I want to blog about. So when I am motivated, I will be able to share my thoughts on a variety of topics, from psychology and life-changing books to spirituality and soccer.

Since I didn’t want to have an empty blog to start, I have included – for no extra charge – five of my favorite blogs from my archives of the last couple years.

Feel free to comment, disagree with me or share your thoughts. Enjoy!

I'll take "Compliments" for $600, Alex (from archive)

I have realized recently that I have difficulty accepting compliments.

Whether I’m being complimented on my astute perceptions, amazing personality or athletic strengths, I tend to discount what people say and override their sentiments. When I receive praise, I usually offset the affirmation with a negative thought. I tell myself that if the complimenting person “really” knew me, they wouldn’t say such a flattering thing.

I know I can be a jerk. I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for days. I can demonstrate attributes of criticism, lust, laziness and inconsiderateness. And when I’m complimented by others, I sometimes choose to dwell on my negative characteristics instead.

Clinical psychologist and author David Schnarch speaks of the importance of self-validation over others-validation. According to Schnarch, the better we are at validating our feelings and self-worth, the less we are dependent on others for validation, which allows us to function independently and also “be there” for others. People who can steady themselves on their own two feet have healthier emotional relationships.

I don’t think I depend on others much for validation. I use to have more of an ego – call it confidence, if you like. Either way, I thought I knew it all. But as I have become more self-aware, I’m more conscious of my faults. So in order to strengthen myself, I need to examine the validity of my inner thoughts and feelings and choose to override my negative opinions with self-affirming beliefs.

Anyway, feel free to compliment me. It will give me an opportunity to practice being honest with myself and experimenting with positive sentiment override. Looking forward, I endeavor to explore and confront the choices I make and the inner battles I fight. I want to confidently stand on my own feet emotionally, and in so doing, learn more about myself.

-- Originally written in February 2009

The police gave me a warning for … what? (from archive)

Last Friday night, I was driving with my friend Hannah from Chattanooga, Tenn., to Charlotte, N.C., to visit her sister and brother-in-law, Charissa and Kevin. We took the route through Atlanta because, well … I have never been in South Carolina before, so I thought that would be a cool choice. (For the record, it was dark when we drove through South Carolina, though we noticed from the interstate that "The Palmetto State" has a decent amount of adult bookstores.)

With the gas tank bordering empty, we stopped at one exit to refuel. Turns out, the police had set up a checkpoint at the intersection near the gas station. I glide up to the nearest officer, roll down my window and hand him my driver's license.

The officer replies, "We'll write you a warning for your missing headlight. Also, your windshield has a crack in it."

Hmmm, the headlight must have blown out recently. So after a couple minutes, he hands me the warning ticket and sends me on my way.

When I arrived at the gas station, Hannah examined the warning ticket a little closer.

"Look," she said. "They gave you a warning … for having defective equipment."

As a man, the last thing I want to hear is that I have "defective equipment."

My friends kidded me about that stupid warning ticket for the whole weekend. Haha.

-- Originally written in December 2008

Why aren’t you married yet? (from archive)

"Your choice of whom to marry is more crucial than everything else combined that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed."

– Author and marriage counselor Neil Clark Warren

Why aren't you married yet?

I get that question occasionally. It's as if Nice-But-Nosy Person is implying: You're 29 and still single – what's wrong with you?

I've always been pro-marriage. But I've never been in a hurry to get married.

But now that the promise and passion of my previous relationship has faded away, for the first time in my life I feel a little rushed. The big Three-Oh is just around the corner. And I got gray hairs.

I've always been pro-marriage. I believe that a loving marriage is an amazing and beautiful gift from God. I crave an in-love, soul mate-type relationship that I am willing to fight to strengthen and preserve with every ounce of strength – a relationship in which I won't settle and I won't ever give up.

"Marriage can be wonderful!" writes author Neil Clark Warren. "Nothing in life can rival … [sharing] life at the deepest levels with someone to whom you are more attracted than anyone else in the world. It is the sense of being in partnership with a person who likes the things you like, thinks the way you think, works as hard to make your marriage succeed as you do, and who, above all else, thoroughly loves you and contributes to your growth and self-esteem."

I don't have Dr. Warren's experience in this field, as he has been married more times (one) than I, and he has worked with couples for longer (about 40 years) than I. But I agree with his assessment of marriage.

Some of my friends are married (and planning families), and I'm left to wonder at times, why am I not married yet? Where's my love of a lifetime? Well, I believe God's answer to that question is simple.

I'm not ready.

That's right; God is still working on me, teaching me lessons of life, love and other mysteries.

Some of my attitudes toward life are changing. My perception of what truly matters is being altered. Looking ahead to a future relationship, I want that special woman and I to prioritize our relationship above everything but God. I want the relationship to be more important than homework, sleep or my hockey team. (Homework stinks, sleep is overrated and the performance of my beloved hockey team is … well, let's not go there.)

I've also had my view on "having kids" change. My previous stance was a selfish "I love kids but they're not for me." I don't want to have children immediately after marriage, and I think more than two kids would force me to pull my hair out. But I'm now intrigued by the idea of raising children together with the love of my life.

Maybe I'm just slower to mature and learn than others. Or maybe what I'm longing for is so incredible and amazing that I need the extra time.

Through trials, teachers and todays, God is growing me into a more willing servant and a better man. Sure, I might be single and getting old, but that's OK. I pray that God will withhold the honor of being a husband from me until I am ready.

"The truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

– Anthony Hopkins, "Meet Joe Black"

-- Originally written in November 2007

People persons (from archive)

I stopped by the post office near my work one morning this week. As I approached the counter, I smiled and said "good morning" to Postal Lady. I even made a joke about not having to pay for postage when my envelopes wouldn't scan.

Postal Lady finished my order. No smile. No greeting. Nothing.

By the time I got to my car, I was irritated … and inspired.

Irritated … because if Postal Lady is going to interact with the public, she should be cheery toward others. Sure, everyone has a rough day. But c'mom, offer a smile and pleasant greeting and make our lives a little better.

In a way, I'm jealous of Postal Lady. I sit in front of a computer most of my workday. I'm a news desk editor in charge of designing pages for our newspaper. Basically, I draw text boxes, insert pictures and write headlines in an organized fashion. It sucks.

I don't have much contact with the public. I relish the moments when the little old ladies hobble into the newsroom with a clip of church news. I get to chitchat with them, smile and tell them there's no charge for their announcement and simply make their day.

My friends, I want to encourage you. If you have a job where you interact with people, be sure to smile … offer a warm greeting … make someone laugh. You'll feel great and make someone's day much better.

However, if you rather slouch in your chair, glare and be indignant, that's OK too. I've got the perfect job for you … in the seat right in front of my desk. Go ahead, you pout and allow me the chance to laugh and smile with others.

But after I left the post office, I was also inspired because I decided that I didn't want Postal Lady's crummy attitude to infect the rest of my day.

I think John Maxwell tells this story … A mother was busy shopping, rushing from one store to the next, dragging her young son around with her. Near the end of the day, the exhausted mother dashes through the final store, scurries through the register line and hurries out into the parking lot. She then turns to her son and asks, "Did you see the dirty look that cashier gave Mommy in there?"

And the little boy replies, "Mommy, that cashier didn't give you that dirty look. You had it on your face when you went in there."

-- Originally written in November 2007

"Fight Club" and that which truly does not matter (from archive)

"When you come back again
Would you bring me something from the fridge
Heard a rumor that the end is near
But I just got comfortable here."

– Newsboys, "Lost the Plot"

I watched the movie "Fight Club" a couple nights ago. And somewhere, between all the primal male violence and life frustration psychology, I learned a spiritual lesson. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Lately, I've been convinced how much we hang on to things which truly do not matter. We're creatures of comfort and conformity. We opt for the same parking spot at work. We go to the same places to eat. And we want our toothpaste squeezed from the bottom, we want the toilet paper going over instead of under and we want to talk with the same people at church.

Why do we prioritize these things? Because it's comfortable. Heaven forbid we leave our niche and detour from our comfort zone.

In one scene from "Fight Club," Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) has a gun to the head of a terrified clerk at a convenience store and tells the clerk that he's going to die. And with his finger near the trigger, Durden asks the clerk why he went to community college, what he studied and why he stopped going to school. The clerk blubbers out that he studied biology to be a veterinarian but thought it required too much schooling.

Durden asks him, "Would you rather die here, on your knees?"

Suddenly, the clerk's fear of "too much schooling" isn't such an obstacle.

Then Durden tells the clerk that if he isn't on his way to becoming a veterinarian in six weeks, he will be dead. And he lets him go.

That's when a narrating voice says about Durden, "You got to hand it to him. He had a plan. No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."

And I thought, how often do I let the trivial things of this world which do not matter interfere? I have such human fears. I take comfort in the fact that I have an adequate job, good health insurance, a decent place to live, a cushy church and tennis partners. And by my actions, I tell God, "Oh please use me, but hey, you can't disrupt any of this stuff."

So I sit here – doing little and living a boring-as-shredded-wheat life. I can't give up control of my life if my hands are grasping the muck.

So today, I pray for God to break down my comfort zone. Take away my desire to be complacent and untrusting. Turn my world upside down.

And let me never forget, that outside of following God and His will, nothing else truly matters.

-- Originally written in October 2007