I'll take "Compliments" for $600, Alex (from archive)

I have realized recently that I have difficulty accepting compliments.

Whether I’m being complimented on my astute perceptions, amazing personality or athletic strengths, I tend to discount what people say and override their sentiments. When I receive praise, I usually offset the affirmation with a negative thought. I tell myself that if the complimenting person “really” knew me, they wouldn’t say such a flattering thing.

I know I can be a jerk. I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for days. I can demonstrate attributes of criticism, lust, laziness and inconsiderateness. And when I’m complimented by others, I sometimes choose to dwell on my negative characteristics instead.

Clinical psychologist and author David Schnarch speaks of the importance of self-validation over others-validation. According to Schnarch, the better we are at validating our feelings and self-worth, the less we are dependent on others for validation, which allows us to function independently and also “be there” for others. People who can steady themselves on their own two feet have healthier emotional relationships.

I don’t think I depend on others much for validation. I use to have more of an ego – call it confidence, if you like. Either way, I thought I knew it all. But as I have become more self-aware, I’m more conscious of my faults. So in order to strengthen myself, I need to examine the validity of my inner thoughts and feelings and choose to override my negative opinions with self-affirming beliefs.

Anyway, feel free to compliment me. It will give me an opportunity to practice being honest with myself and experimenting with positive sentiment override. Looking forward, I endeavor to explore and confront the choices I make and the inner battles I fight. I want to confidently stand on my own feet emotionally, and in so doing, learn more about myself.

-- Originally written in February 2009