Life in a bucket

There are many reasons humans create personal bucket lists; perhaps they want to achieve a sense of accomplishment or inspire others or motivate themselves. While we can feel trapped in the rat race of existence, we should remember to live well, laugh often and love much. Part of living well includes having fun and obtaining our objectives. Personally, I want to reminisce at the end of my life and say as the Apostle Paul did, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

So with an eye toward having fun, here is my never-finished bucket list. Items marked with an asterisk are some of the objectives I will prioritize in the next year.

1. Go curling: While sliding 40-pound rocks across ice may appear difficult and lackluster, I would love to try my hand at this challenging Olympic sport.
2. Attend a Washington Capitals playoff game: While I have seen my favorite hockey team play live a dozen times, I want to experience the intensity of playoff hockey.
3. * Watch my Buccaneers play in Tampa: Football, Florida sun and the pirate ship seem like an equation for fun.
4. Attend a hockey game in Canada: North of the border, they take hockey way too seriously.
5. Attend an English Premier League game: Preferably on a rainy day in London, engulfed amidst passionate fans who sing the entire game.
6. Visit Washington State: Many friends have told me how beautiful the Great Northwest is, but I want to see it for myself.
7. * Obtain a master’s degree: A stepping stone toward a fulfilling career in helping others.
8. Obtain my licensure as a professional counselor: Another important step.
9. Marry an amazing, self-aware woman: This bucket list isn’t in order of importance; if it were, spending time with the love of my life would be at the top.
10. Make love with my wife in the rain: You don’t need details, lol.
11. Present a seminar on better romantic relationships: I would like to use the skills and knowledge I acquire to help others have better marriages.
12. Attend a workshop by psychologist David Schnarch: I want to absorb lessons from this clinical psychologist, who is a genius regarding differentiation and intimacy in relationships.
13. Throw a snowball in Alaska: Something about being near the top of the world and in solitude inspires me.
14. Visit a casino: I have no plans on gambling away more than a few dollars, but I would love to people-watch in this addictive atmosphere.
15. Throw one helluva bachelor’s party for my best friend Nick someday: Not sure when this celebration will take place – but it will be one damn awesome time!
16. Make baklava: Can’t go wrong with this exquisite Turkish pastry.
17. Watch a Grand Slam tennis match live: They hit the ball so hard.
18. * Weigh 200 pounds: Feel better, look better, live better.
19. Drink tea in Scotland: I would love to experience the culture by sipping on brew in a picturesque roadside café.
20. Watch an international rugby game: Americans love football; other nations crave soccer. And for some countries, rugby is their lifeblood.
21. * Go 21 days without complaining: Part of my desire to be positive constantly and negate the negative side of life.
22. * Bicycle 100 miles in one day: Hitting the century mark would be impressive for me.
23. Ride roller coasters at Cedar Point in Ohio: Dubbed the "Roller Coaster Capital of the World," this amusement park boasts 17 roller coasters!
24. Attend a live taping of Jeopardy: I’ll take "Alex Trebeck is the Coolest Host" for $800, please.
25. Shake Irvin Yalom’s hand: After reading several books by this expert on group psychotherapy, I highly respect this psychology patriarch based at Stanford University.
26. Star in a music video: Nothing that would appear on MTV – instead, a fun video with friends that features lip-synching.
27. Take a martial arts class: Learning how to defend one’s self is important and empowering.
28. * Preach a sermon: God Almighty, speak through me.
29. Take a cooking class: Making food is fun; learning to make new food is even better.
30. Perform a stand-up comedy gig: To quote Robin Williams, "We’re not laughing at you; we’re laughing near you."
31. Coach my child’s sports team: I would teach that winning is better than losing, but doing your best and having fun is better than winning.
32. Eat Indian food in India: Mmm … make my eyes water!

Desert some desserts

"I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert." — Comedian Jason Love

I agree. But I have realized that I am a dessert snob. I shun mediocre desserts – foamy ice cream, generic cookies and sawdust-like cake. In a futile effort to have my cake and eat it too, I save my calories for exquisite desserts that deliver a melt-in-your-mouth, save-the-world bliss. From my dad’s chocolate chip cookies to expensive European pastries, I have enjoyed much dessert in my life, and amidst my glorious gluttony, I have developed a philosophy on all things sweet.

Pie: Without a doubt, pie is the platinum standard for dessert. To quote the New York Times in 1902, "Pie is the American synonym of prosperity … No pie-eating people can ever be permanently vanquished." From gooey cherry to hearty apple to delectable pecan, pie is the reason we eat our vegetables and maintain our strength as a nation. One of my friends threw pie in the face of tradition and eschewed the stereotypical cake at his wedding; the guests were treated like royalty and served amazing apple pie instead. Notice that pie works well during all occasions. Pie should be served at weddings and birthdays and breakfast and lunch…

Cake: I’m not sure why we celebrate birthdays with cake. The only thing worse than devouring a piece of dry cake with too-sugary frosting is listening to your friends sing Happy Birthday in an unhurried, off-key tune. My policy on cake is that 90 percent of the world’s cake should be thrown away. Only the upper echelon of cake is incredible and deserving of our taste buds.

Ice cream: I was raised on Breyers ice cream. But some other brands – including Mayfield and Blue Bell – are excellent as well. I love “manly” flavors, like butter pecan and rocky road and moose tracks. Conversely, generic flavors are a waste. I won’t eat no-name ice cream. My father jokes that one particular brand of ice cream tastes like shaving cream.

Cookies: Hit and miss. Some cookies are astounding, while others remind me of chalk. Homemade cookies are usually better than store-bought cookies. The more ingredients in the cookie (chocolate, dates, nuts), the better it is … unless you add weird stuff to your cookies, such as cranberries or butterscotch chips. That’s not a cookie – that’s a flat muffin.

Pastries: From doughnuts to danishes to mouth-watering baklava, this class of desserts deserves executive treatment.

Finally, an important addendum to my dessert philosophy is this strict guideline on all things sweet: Stop combining desserts!

I’m not talking about apple pie and vanilla ice cream, which makes a delightful coupling. But some food producers have attempted to combine two desserts into one, and the results have been catastrophic. Perhaps these products sound familiar: blueberry cream pie ice cream, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, ice cream cake, cookie cake … and other egregious amalgamations. These haphazard combinations of sugariness should be avoided.

Instead, treat yourself to some real dessert today. Regardless of your choice (may I recommend pie?), be sure your selection merits those million calories.

And enjoy every bite.

Yalom's "Gift of Therapy" full of helpful tips

Considering the status of psychotherapy today – what renowned psychotherapist Irv Yalom refers to as an “economically driven health-care system (that) mandates a radical modification” in treatment – a book of tips and quick advice is an excellent companion for the therapies of today that promote brief and symptom-oriented treatment.
In “The Gift of Therapy,” Yalom divides his manuscript into 85 single-serving sections. The psychiatrist explores various topics, including the nature of the therapist-patient relationship, use of the here-and-now, self-disclosure, existentialist concerns, dreams and everyday conduct in therapy. Yalom urges readers to use their own creativity to “adapt and apply” his lessons to their experience in the therapeutic atmosphere.
While reflection on each of Yalom’s intellectual morsels is beyond the scope of this writing, several lessons rose to the surface to provide exceptional psychological nourishment.
Yalom challenges the cure-happy section of psychotherapy immediately. In chapter two, he advises therapists to avoid diagnosis – except for the insurance companies, he adds. Yalom reminds the reader that diagnosing is not an exact science. In fact, saddling a client with a biological label may cause harm. Attaching a nonscientific sticky note to a client for life may bring blinders into the equation – for both the client and the therapist – and the DSM label limits the ability of both parties to objectively work together for a solution.
In chapter four, Yalom reminds therapists of the importance of intimacy. Engaging the client is essential, and the author advocates a continued check-in with the client regarding their relationship. This isn’t magic. The best relationships – friends, lovers, family – boast of this engaging element that is the lifeblood for connection.
Chapter nine brings up a vital lesson – the necessity of the counselor acknowledging errors. A respected professor once said to me, “You will make mistakes. Get use to it.” Clients are usually aware of the humanness of their therapists. By brushing aside blunders, therapists harm the relationship with their client. They miss a glorious opportunity to promote good faith. Therapists should concede their errors and check-in with a client afterward.
In chapter 15, Yalom coos about one of his favorite babies – the use of the here-and-now in therapy. Discussions about events that transpire during a session establish a foundation for relevant work with the client. Yalom reminds readers that many people “fall into despair because of their inability to form and maintain enduring and gratifying interpersonal relationships.” By paying close attention to the here-and-now, the therapist establishes the sessions as a laboratory for clients to explore the dynamics – both positive and negative – of their interactions.
Use of the here-and-now should be a required ingredient of therapy, according to Yalom. Therapists should inquire about the space between the client and themselves during each session. However, Yalom also urges therapists to handle the here-and-now carefully. While its liberating use can provide great benefits, a misplaced comment can result in an explosion.
Caution should also be exercised when considering self-disclosure. Some anecdotes can encourage clients, sparking movement into advanced work and previously unresolved and unconsidered topics. When a therapist decides to reveal personal information, he or she should also explore the process of the patient’s queries. A reason usually exists for the client’s questioning; this is an excellent opportunity for exploration.
In chapters 41 through 44, Yalom offers tips on discussing death and life meaning. Always the existentialist at heart, Yalom encourages an examination into the significance of one’s subsistence. While this topic might seem better suited in work with senior and terminally ill patients, all clients can benefit from discussing their purpose in life and lack of invincibility. Therapists who decline to dismiss this subject may spur their clients into meaningful exploration.
In chapter 52, the author suggests waiting for the client to begin each session – hopefully, the client will hone in on the “point of urgency” in their life. If Yalom opts to start the dialogue, he refers to the previous session in an attempt to make therapy a continuous session.
Clinical notes are the subject of chapter 53. Yalom’s advice is simple: Take them. He also reminds the reader to take a few minutes after each session to record the important issues. Therapists who write notes at the conclusion of a multiple-client schedule are playing mental roulette, gambling that they will accurately record the highlights of their sessions. Yalom suggests alleviating the onslaught of note-taking and other activities by scheduling 15 minutes in between each session, even if this causes appointments to be at odd intervals. This short break allows therapists to compose themselves and enter the next session with a focused mind.
The physical boundaries between a client and therapist can cause uncertainty in the relationship. In chapters 63 and 64, Yalom states two mandates – one, touch your client; two, never be sexual. Yalom perceives a great therapeutic benefit from an occasional touch – such as a handshake or pat on the shoulder – though he maintains that a therapist must be aware if any of the actions would be viewed as sexual. Therapists should not be so terrified of touch that they interact with their client in an artificial and automatous manner that harms the relationship.
Near the end of his book, Yalom converses about the importance of dreams and their benefit to therapy. Neophyte therapists should not fear dream dialogue, Yalom says; in fact, he believes that dreams provide excellent fodder for discussion and are an enormous asset. The author acknowledges that full interpretation of dreams is impossible and impractical. After reading Yalom’s chapters on dream work (as well as his book Momma and the Meaning of Life: Tales of Psychotherapy), I can comprehend and appreciate the functionality of dreams in the therapeutic setting.

A heart-sized lesson for Valentine’s Day

Earlier this evening, after a trip to the grocery store, I made a flippant comment on Facebook.

The target of my impertinence was men – the men who stood in the express line, clutching a dozen roses wrapped in cellophane – the men who, in my nearsighted view, take their relationship for granted and put little thought into their romantic gesture for a materialistic holiday.

I smiled smugly in my judgment.

Until a friend responded.

He shared that he had been in “that” line. He shared that he delivers colorful roses to the special women in his life – wife, daughters, and a granddaughter – every Valentine’s Day. What a beautiful expression of love.

Suddenly, I wasn’t smiling anymore. I was reminded that I can’t read minds. In fact, I shouldn’t even try. Perhaps I’m the one who needs to put more thought into my actions.

Valentine’s Day is an easy target. It’s effortless to take aim at Cupid and blame all heartfelt sentiments on the commercialization of love. But for those who are tempted to scoff at the holiday, we overlook something important. Pop culture may portray V-Day as a mandate to send overpriced greeting cards, but the real reason for the holiday is much more – Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love and affection.

In a topsy-turvy world, we should all pause and take the time to articulate our love for others. I am blessed to have people in my life who I love, and even more so, to have people who love me too.

Love is a wonderful thing. Instead of dismissing Valentine’s Day, let’s savor its magic. And maybe next time, you’ll see me in that express line too…

Drama is part of therapy

I’m watching Season One of “In Treatment,” a drama produced by HBO about a psychotherapist and his weekly sessions with clients.
Like typical television, the show contains theatrical storylines to keep the viewer engrossed. But the angry curses, insights into infidelity and talk of erotic transference are more than just excessive grapples to snag the viewer.
This drama is part of therapy.
As a future therapist, I realize I will subscribe to multiple episodes of a client’s soap opera. I will be part of their stories – their shared narratives of pain, guilt and betrayal. Patients will reveal a fraction of their soul, granting insight into their joys and sorrows.
I wonder how counseling will affect my long-term emotional strength. As a man who can experience strong, heartfelt emotions, it’s important that I have a strong therapeutic relationship with clients but not take on their problems as my own. An accumulation of client’s emotions and predicaments can zap one’s energy.
In the HBO drama, the psychotherapist struggles with a fixation on his clients and their well-being, resulting in a deficit in his relationships with his family. Outside of sessions, he patronizes his wife and speaks to her with contempt.
I don’t want to be like that therapist. I want my family, friends and future wife to come first. If I fail to maintain emotionally connected relationships with those I love, I’m useless as a counselor. What’s the point of helping clients to have better relationships if I fail to preserve them in my own life?

Do you like me ... do you know me?

Do you like me? Or do you tolerate me?

And do you even know me?

Except for a few close friends who I’m blessed to have near, I’m not sure how you view me. If I was a fly on your wall, what would I hear? Do you perceive me as arrogant, loud, naïve, self-centered or acerbic in speech? Do you recognize me as passionate, loving, intelligent, attentive or sincere?

A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends took a chance. She inquired about who I was and challenged me on what I wanted from life. At first she held back, worried she might hurt me with what I could have chosen to perceive as verbal jabs. But I asked her not to censor and so she shared.

I was able to listen and not object or be offended, due to my emotional strength and the strength of our friendship. Instead, I processed and pondered – and came away more motivated and focused on what I want from life.

I can think of people who I believe I want to be closer to. I wonder why I am not. Is it my lack of effort? Or do you perceive something in me that you don’t like? Maybe being closer to me isn’t important to you. Maybe the possibility exists that we could be closer, but we’re like two trains passing silently in the night.

I’ve been emotionally stung by several people lately – individuals who I thought I was closer to, individuals who I perceived as knowing me better than they actually do. I’m sad when I realize I’m not as close to someone as I thought. I’m disheartened when I feel like someone is uncomfortable being honest with me.

So what do you see? Are we close or miles apart? Call me emotionally masochistic, but I’d like to know. Help me see my blind spots. This isn’t carte blanche (unrestricted power) to tear me apart – but if you care about me and what I think, you won’t do that anyway.

Your perception of me might be accurate. Or you could be woefully misguided. Some of the most pleasant people I know say all sorts of magnificent things about me. Their niceties can feed my ego, but I grimace because I feel they don’t know me well, and ultimately, I appreciate the more objective stance.

This request contradicts social mores. We prefer to criticize and tear down behind each other’s back.

But I’d like to choose to get closer to you. Or farther away. And while you don’t get to choose my trajectory, you can help me make a more educated decision.

Learn to hold onto yourself before you hold her

Editor’s note: The following blog contains language and subject matter that is mature in nature.

“Marry and with luck it may go well. But when a marriage fails those who marry live at home in hell.”

– Euripides, 408 B.C.

If I were to recommend only one book on marriage – a hitchhikers’ guide to all things relationship – I would suggest a rendezvous with a captivating and daring paperback by clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist David Schnarch.

The nearly vowel-less author presents a fascinating exploration into pleasure and sexuality in his book “Passionate Marriage.” This book is about having a better marriage, more intimacy and emotional connectedness, and a greater understanding of oneself. Schnarch challenges conventional mores about sex and intimacy as he unearths explanations as to why common misconceptions and presumptions can be detrimental to the marriage, especially in the bedroom.

From the get-go, Schnarch supports the importance of autonomy and self-validation, and he maintains that self-acceptance is essential for increased intimacy. Partners need to learn to hold on to themselves and take care of their own feelings. Anxiety and self-rejection can deter a couple from experiencing connection. Eventually, a partner’s self-defeatist attitudes will negatively affect their sexual experience and relationship. Schnarch refutes the perspectives held by a Cosmopolitan culture that “perfect sex” should be the ultimate objective. Great sex involves bonding on many levels, not just biological, the author says. Sexual technique has little to do with intimacy, and Schnarch believes sexual satisfaction is achieved by connecting the emotional and mental with the physical.

Schnarch also doesn’t mince words when he interjects the fallacies into commonly-held opinions regarding fantasies, sexual desire, readiness for marriage and how screwed up we are. Marriage isn’t easy but it’s an exquisite teacher, he reminds the reader.

“Passionate Marriage” provides incredible and original insights on improving the intimacy and connectedness in a marriage. Yes, this detailed work discusses sex and sexuality, but the book is also an amazing guide on improving one’s self – how to increase one’s level of differentiation in order to propel a person toward a great marriage. The author believes a great marriage consists of two emotionally strong individuals. My expectations for marriage and intimacy have reached a climax (excuse the innuendo) after reading Schnarch’s masterpiece.

While I strongly advocate the self-analyzing journey of “Passionate Marriage,” I recommend the book with a few warning labels. One, the book will change your expectations for marriage and intimacy – likely for the better. But the possibility exists that a married couple could read the book and one partner would buy into the author’s insight (and become more differentiated and self-aware) and their spouse would not, ultimately creating a divide in their relationship. Also, the language in “Passionate Marriage” is erotically graphic at times; the author doesn’t mince words when discussing sexuality, trust and intimacy with his clients and he shares these poignant dialogues. The discussion is not for the easily offended. Ironically, readers who are easily offended by Schnarch’s explicit expressions aren’t likely to enjoy the pleasure of emotional connectedness and spine-tingling intimacy in their marriage, anyway. Finally, the book is lengthy (more than 400 pages) and deep. But its content is more than merely a playbook for hot sex. The author writes the book for couples, but there are incredible concepts for the single person. There’s so much in the beginning of the book about personal growth – how to honestly examine one’s anxieties and learn how to hold onto one’s self.

Schnarch writes in a refreshing style that is exceptional for both genders. However, Schnarch doesn’t acquiesce with the societal assumption that men want sex more. In fact, Schnarch reports greater interest in sexuality from the women who attend his workshops. So the psychologist doesn’t kowtow to feminist agendas that preach women hate all things sex.

Intimacy. Self-awareness. Passion. Personal growth. Love. Holding on to oneself. All these descriptors read like ingredients for an incredible life. Perhaps you’re cynical – these depictions may sound unbelievable. That’s OK. In fact, don’t trust me. Read this book and decide yourself. I did. Forgive the double entendre, but I reached the following consensus.

“Passionate Marriage” is the best fucking book I have ever read.

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For further book reviews on Passionate Marriage, plus the opportunity to purchase this masterpiece online, visit the following Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0805058265