Desert some desserts

"I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert." — Comedian Jason Love

I agree. But I have realized that I am a dessert snob. I shun mediocre desserts – foamy ice cream, generic cookies and sawdust-like cake. In a futile effort to have my cake and eat it too, I save my calories for exquisite desserts that deliver a melt-in-your-mouth, save-the-world bliss. From my dad’s chocolate chip cookies to expensive European pastries, I have enjoyed much dessert in my life, and amidst my glorious gluttony, I have developed a philosophy on all things sweet.

Pie: Without a doubt, pie is the platinum standard for dessert. To quote the New York Times in 1902, "Pie is the American synonym of prosperity … No pie-eating people can ever be permanently vanquished." From gooey cherry to hearty apple to delectable pecan, pie is the reason we eat our vegetables and maintain our strength as a nation. One of my friends threw pie in the face of tradition and eschewed the stereotypical cake at his wedding; the guests were treated like royalty and served amazing apple pie instead. Notice that pie works well during all occasions. Pie should be served at weddings and birthdays and breakfast and lunch…

Cake: I’m not sure why we celebrate birthdays with cake. The only thing worse than devouring a piece of dry cake with too-sugary frosting is listening to your friends sing Happy Birthday in an unhurried, off-key tune. My policy on cake is that 90 percent of the world’s cake should be thrown away. Only the upper echelon of cake is incredible and deserving of our taste buds.

Ice cream: I was raised on Breyers ice cream. But some other brands – including Mayfield and Blue Bell – are excellent as well. I love “manly” flavors, like butter pecan and rocky road and moose tracks. Conversely, generic flavors are a waste. I won’t eat no-name ice cream. My father jokes that one particular brand of ice cream tastes like shaving cream.

Cookies: Hit and miss. Some cookies are astounding, while others remind me of chalk. Homemade cookies are usually better than store-bought cookies. The more ingredients in the cookie (chocolate, dates, nuts), the better it is … unless you add weird stuff to your cookies, such as cranberries or butterscotch chips. That’s not a cookie – that’s a flat muffin.

Pastries: From doughnuts to danishes to mouth-watering baklava, this class of desserts deserves executive treatment.

Finally, an important addendum to my dessert philosophy is this strict guideline on all things sweet: Stop combining desserts!

I’m not talking about apple pie and vanilla ice cream, which makes a delightful coupling. But some food producers have attempted to combine two desserts into one, and the results have been catastrophic. Perhaps these products sound familiar: blueberry cream pie ice cream, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, ice cream cake, cookie cake … and other egregious amalgamations. These haphazard combinations of sugariness should be avoided.

Instead, treat yourself to some real dessert today. Regardless of your choice (may I recommend pie?), be sure your selection merits those million calories.

And enjoy every bite.